My So-Called Wife

Sandra Tsing Loh has an interesting op-ed in the New York Times titled My So-Called Wife. She talks about the challenges of duel-breadwinner households, and how she fantasizes about the simplicity of the imagined-ideal of the stereotyped ’50s household with the “working” husband and the homemaking wife. One of her conclusions is that everyone wants a “wife” regardless of sex.

I think there’s something to the idea that the old system was, at least in some important ways, better. But I also think Loh has a point in that everyone wants a “wife,” which is to say many people today don’t want to be the “wife.” I have never studied domestic partnerships, or feminism, or anything even remotely related to this topic, so there’s much I don’t know about this stuff, but here are some of my amateur thoughts:

(1) There is something to be said about having very clear divisions of authority. In Loh’s fantasy, there’s the wage earner who couldn’t find the icebox and the homemaker who doesn’t want someone else messing up the organization system and such. As Loh mentions, conflict comes when you try to split these duties. In our household I’d say the majority of “disputes” involve who’s doing what around the house, how it’s being done, et cetera. We regularly battle over how to load the dishwasher, which is something that just wouldn’t happen if only one person ever loaded the dishwasher.

(2) I also agree that many people these days, both men and women, would not be content to be the homemaker. I certainly haven’t been. I’ve probably done less housework since I’ve been under-employed, and I don’t doubt that one of the reasons is that I fear becoming nothing more than the person who keeps the house tidy and makes dinner.

(3) Staying home with a baby is a great deal of work and is psychologically exhausting. I don’t understand how people can keep beautiful homes while dealing with an infant or toddler. In my experience, dealing with a young child is much more exhausting than going to work. Much, much, much more.

(4) Going back to #2 (heh), I realize that by saying “people these days . . . would not be content to be the homemaker” I’m suggesting that people were ever content with it, which is something I don’t know. And if watching The Hours suggested anything to me it was that being a homemaker could be a lonely and tedious job, even for a ’50s woman.

(5) Combining #s 3 and 4: being a housewife might be great if you’re Betty Draper, with a nanny and housekeeper to watch your kids and clean your house as you go out and ride horses, play tennis, and have afternoon cocktails with your friends. But most people don’t have the luxury of help. And even Betty Draper seems awfully discontent and troubled about her situation.

(6) There has been a massive increase in the U.S. divorce rate over the last 40 years. Is it because it has become more socially acceptable, women have gained greater freedoms, or is it because of the shift away from the divisions of family life? I’d guess it has to do with all three, and probably other stuff. But I don’t doubt that the shift away from clear division of obligations has led to more domestic strife. Even if it has led to other good things.

(7) Loh says what everyone wants is a “wife.” I think what we all want is servants.